..the consequences of dreaming

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2010-03-08T12:49:00.001-06:00

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2008-03-31T11:41:00.002-05:00

we watched the fireworks rain down over the lotus-shaped skyscrapers. you looked at me with heated eyes, and i remembered our fearless silences. staring out the window, no end in sight, just road and volcano, just fire and light.

2008-03-30T20:31:00.001-05:00

trapped somewhere between needing out and wanting in.

2008-03-29T19:07:00.001-05:00

i'm obsessed with soy ice cream

2008-03-27T14:18:00.002-05:00

hieu sent me this article.
Dalai Lama vs. the brain surgeon on whether thoughts act back on the physical stuff of the brain to change its chemical, electrical and other physical properties.

"The Dalai Lama has long tried, through his teachings, to increase the world’s supply of compassion and empathy. This study suggests that compassion meditation might do that, Davidson said in a statement: “People are not just stuck at their respective set points” for compassion. 'We can take advantage of our brain’s plasticity and train it to enhance these qualities.'"

so, wait, you mean to tell me that my pessimism is probably not helping the state of things? ;)

2008-03-27T09:10:00.002-05:00

last night barrett accompanied me to Erato, the wine bar where milongas are held every wednesday night in st. louis. it was nice. tal was a good dancer, and i had to resist the wine selection because of my sore throat.

i have the unfortunate luck of having a body that doesn't like to let me forget that i am not, in fact, invincible. now my project team thinks that i get sick easily. but seriously, moving between so many different geographic regions with different weather patterns? Body, i don't blame you for protesting.

i'm balancing on some kind of "attempt to push away from stagnancy." i won't let my heart feel anything but cynicism towards love. i don't sleep enough. i've neglected friendships. i appreciate the few people who don't mind that i'm not around; they still greet me as enthusiastically as ever when i finally appear in their lives again. i'm always exhausted, and the only things i force myself to make time for are dancing tango and attempts at running. this is my way of coping with heartbreak and restlessness, i guess. i run until i run out of breath, and then i run some more.

2008-03-25T16:45:00.003-05:00

Aditi and I decided to try a Bolivian restaurant (whose name neither of us dared to pronounce).

Give it a try, record yourself, and send it to me. Or just ask someone who knows and let me know.

The waitress addressed us in Spanish, which was refreshing. Aditi politely refused an English menu, even though I was staring at her in disbelief at the decision. Sure, I have an undergraduate degree in Spanish, sure, I lived in Spain, sure, I dated a Mexican guy for several years. Yeah but all that means nothing to the Bolivians. I didn't know 90% of the dishes described on the Bolivian menu. The waitress recommended the Moconchinchi for a refresco... I agreed because of the name. Reminds me of a Zumba song.

According to Bolivia Hoy,
M'OKONCHINCHI
It's a traditional refreshment done out of dry peaches. You can find it cold and at a low price in all the marketplaces and almost all the corners downtown.

We were very pleasantly surprised. It was really sticky-yet-refreshing sweet, and there was a dry peach at the bottom. I'm notorious for guzzling whatever beverage I have in front of me whatever the taste (except for beer, much to David's lament), and this was good. So if the horchata's not made right, I'd order one of these in a heartbeat.

2008-03-24T21:46:00.001-05:00

i want to take my lenses for a run out on town.

2008-03-24T21:40:00.002-05:00

prefiero morir
a no estar contigo
no puedo vivir feliz
sin ti

porque si tu te vas
que va pasar?

veneno
veneno tu me das
mi lupita
no me dejes
jamas

how fitting that i would sit in my doorway wailing this song at you,
how fitting that while the sun peeked in between your venetian blinds and spilled itself onto your loft bed, you would whisper this song to me with "mi rosita" instead.
how fitting that when i'm grasping at something good i remember, this is the first thing i think of.
sometimes it makes me want to cry, but mostly...
there's you.

2008-03-24T12:56:00.003-05:00

iron chef america:
morimoto vs. tyson cole, uchi founder, austin tx

i was at the gym on the treadmill and only got to watch 10 minutes of it, but i knew it was going to be good.

i was in love with how tyson handled the showdown, he seemed so respectful and humble. granted, i'm (slightly) biased at the fact that Cole founded Uchi, but i hear he put up a good fight.

2008-03-24T04:50:00.000-05:00

you would think that after doing it every week, going through airport security would get a whole lot easier. but it doesn't.

2008-03-21T00:34:00.004-05:00

i totally just ate half of the pint of Soy Dream Mocha Fudge that i bought upon arriving back in Austin. deliciously guilty.

it's good to be home.

i visited aditi and we attended the DC Tango Marathon. it was such an amazing weekend.

i ate a lot of f*cking good food.

oh, and i bought a random dress.

oh and i got to dance. a lot :) jason's colgadas. dancing to apocalyptica's nothing else matters. the live music.

2008-03-19T18:21:00.006-05:00

edit:

isn't it funny, i wander to nyt and on the front page i happen to click on "So you want to be a blogging star?"

Mr. Cuban said: “Blog about your passions. Don’t blog about what you think your audience wants. Post because you have something you are dying to write about.”

---

for almost two years now, this blog has been under the radar. as in, i changed settings so that google search cannot find me. (if google can't find me, no one can find me, right? haha)

i decided to do this because i applied for a full time job and i had to be somewhat "professional"-- but let's face it. i'm still a kid, and i want to write about what i want to write about. yet i still have maybe 20-40 consistent readers who remember my URL anyways, (according to webstats), and i can't believe so many of you still take the time to occasionally care about what i post (of course i appreciate it a lot). so lately i've been pondering, what if i produce content that doesn't have to be kept under the radar?

problogger.net offers: SEO Tip: Almost 7 ways to re-optimize your posts

and

10 random reflections on SXSWi 2008.

i can't believe i "live" in austin and missed out on sxsw. AGAIN.
i'd love to buy a house in austin, set up a studio, and mush around ideas in my head for the rest of my life.

tango classic...
francisco canaro- poema

2008-03-19T13:37:00.000-05:00

"Today, though, the world has changed a lot, and the good fight has shifted from the battlefields to the fields within ourselves." - Paulo Coelho, The Pilgrimage

so, i know i missed the boat a long time ago. elissa and i started blogging before the word "blog" was even invented. i could have changed my priorities and stopped fretting about School and Grades and Relationships, and focused instead on something like web design and blogging or dance or photography, and perhaps i would be somewhere by now. but i'm not. i have one of those "cushy office jobs" that isn't cushy at all. honestly, i think they call it cushy because that's what happens to your tush when you sit in a cube all day.

so do i actually need to think like a business-major-undercover-hippie? i need a plan. i have so many plans to do too many things.

i'm going to buy a house and fill it with photographs and quirky things. and drawings on post-it notes.

how 'bout them Houston Rockets?

2008-03-18T17:10:00.003-05:00

due time for a music list post, might you say?

ingrid michaelson- the way i am
thao nguyen- beat (health, life, and fire)
aimee mann- the scientist (coldplay cover)
she and him- why stay here
basia bulat- in the night
mirah- apples in the trees (check out the live version too)
mirah- credo cigalia
natasha bedingfield- pocket full of sunshine
arkestra one- i really want you
dawn landes- young folks
dawn landes- twilight
rihanna- is this love (bob marley cover)
los caparos- rasta vasily
matchbox 20- how far we've come
cassettes won't listen- paper float
art in manila- set the woods on fire

2008-03-18T09:19:00.004-05:00

the weather here in st. louis today reminds me of Texas. the warm spring rainstorms. i was walking underneath a bright blue umbrella to the office from the car, and suddenly i realized how happy i was that it was raining. it wasn't too cold, it wasn't snowing, there was no ice in my path. to a houstonian/austinite, these thunderstorms are home.

2008-03-17T17:52:00.001-05:00

on the way home from the friday night milonga at 6:30AM, our cab driver noted, "if you want to be a great lover, first you have to learn to be a great dancer."

my deliriously tired brain delighted in his words.

2008-03-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

look what's new at Google Calendar! Syncing with Outlook!

2008-03-17T13:53:00.004-05:00

at the eastern market on sunday, i picked up an old copy of Selected Poems by Cummings. i thumbed through the pages and wished that it didn't cost so much. aditi tried to bargain down for her Tofu Cookery cookbook and my e.e. cummings, to no avail.

jason and bright both commented on my email address when i gave it to them. and so i passed jason the book when i stumbled on the first poem below:

i shall imagine life

is not worth dying if
(and when)roses complain
their beauties are in vain

but though mankind persuades
itself that every weed's
a rose roses(you feel
certain)will only smile

- e.e. cummings

----

i have found what you are like
the rain

(Who feathers frightened fields
with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields

easily the pale club of the wind
and swirled justly souls of flower strike

the air in utterable coolness

deeds of green thrilling light
with thinne
d

newfragile blues

lurch and.press

-in the woods
which
stutter
and

sing

And the coolness of your smile is
stirringofbirds between my arms;but
i should rather than anything
have(almost when hugeness will shut
quietly)almost
your kiss

- e.e. cummings

-----

Love is more thicker than forget
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

It's most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

Love is more always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less litter than forgive

It's most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky

- e.e. cummings

2008-03-17T11:30:00.001-05:00

yeah, this weekend was kind of like that.

2008-03-14T12:23:00.003-05:00

hey girls,
i started counting calories, too. it lasted all of a week. i'm sick of feeling guilty about loving cookies.

listen to Eve Ensler.

"We focus on fixing our bodies. We spend $40 billion a year on beauty products. What if we actually took that money, took that time, took that energy and started fixing the world. Women would actually be in power."

"Good is towing the line, being behaved, being quiet, being passive, fitting in, being liked, and great is being messy, having a belly, speaking your mind, standing up for what you believe in, fighting for another paradigm, not letting people talk you out of what you know to be true."

"Doing this show (the Vagina Monologues) is really painful each time I perform it. The degree to which women hate their bodies is profoundly sad. Let's just put off our self-hatred for 10 years, take over the world, and then we can obsess again."

dammit, we only get one chance to live life. i can't believe how much time i, we, spend agonizing over this.

2008-03-14T11:28:00.002-05:00

once again, i need to introduce this quote.

"All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."
- Coelho

i met a man at the St. Louis airport while waiting for my flight, which was two hours late. he was from Austria, and now he lives in Chicago. He met his wife in Canada, and after three months, they eloped. he had to propose to her 4 times to get her to say yes. 15 year later, he has one regret. when they had their third child, he took off work a week to be with his wife at the hospital. he had meetings and deadlines scheduled the week after. his wife ended up going home with his newborn son on Monday, and he was unable to be the person who drove them home from the hospital. that is the one thing he would change if he could live his life again, he said. he would have said "to hell with all the meetings and deadlines and clients and work, i'm taking my wife and baby home."

i wanted to cry. i told him that very few men understand the emotional significance of something as "seemingly trivial" as a drive home. or just being there.

yeah.. they say it's hard to define love.

2008-03-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

Interview with Dana Frigoli and Pablo Villarraza
by Jackie Ling Wong

Scene: Pablo and Dana in Buenos Aires at their new studio DNI at 2140 Corrientes. Ronnie, who has agreed to help translate, Asa, and I arrive and go upstairs where workmen and Pablo are painting the walls and a mural of the school logo over the mirror.

Pablo is barefoot and a real sweetheart. Very intense and focused when he speaks... when he does anything. Dana is a bundle of energy with a ready smile and kiss for everyone. Both of them together, make an extraordinarily dynamic couple. They are two of my favorite teachers in BA and I was fortunate to take classes with them at El Pulpo's Festival which were well attended but small enough to receive individual attention and with plenty of room to move.

Dana hasn't arrived yet so we began with Pablo. The entire interview took 3 hours and no one was bored!

Q:You definitely have and teach a unique technique --- how did you develop it? What was the impetus?

Pablo: We first started to think about our own dance because we felt that it was uncomfortable... perhaps it was some detail that we noticed about how we walked or how we communicated with our body.
We (people) never think about how we walk because we were only one year old when we started walking...but when we start to dance, we change many things that are natural for us. For example, we embrace each other one way in life and then we change the embrace for the dance. We stop hugging and communicating with our bodies.
When people in general start to dance, there are obstacles that they put up that prevent natural movement. The older milongueros/as dance with so much heart... Unfortunately, these feeling are impossible to teach, so the young people had to try to interpret.
We felt we needed technique in order to learn to express ourselves. So we started investigating natural movement in order to achieve what we felt was missing from the old learning.

Q: Why aren't young people able to learn the same way that the milongueros/as did?

Pablo: I think that young people learn by looking at things because this is the age of imagery. I learned that way too, and I had to reeducate myself. I can become the image but the image has to have feeling. The image is only a part... like the drawing of what we want to present.

Q: I'm guessing that this is similar to discovering a person who looks great on the dance floor but doesn't feel good in the embrace.

Pablo: Image is structure and how you get that image is what you do inside. If a person is looking at an old milonguero, they have to codify what they are seeing. So Dana and I looked for a bridge so that we could show people how to achieve the feeling inside, between two people.

What we want to transmit is not the old style versus the new style. They dance Tango with their own visions. So the work we needed to do, was to codify what already existed and take all the information and put it into a new system and than relate it to the body.

Q: But how is it different for the new generation?

Pablo: Bodies are different and women have more roles in society. For example, Dana is a very active independent person. I can not say, "You do that... you do this".The result is a change in the dance. The dance of Tete is a wonderful way of dancing but it is his expression. We needed to find our own personal identity in the dance.

Today, my generation needs to relearn to feel. They have lost the most common feelings. Life isn't like something in a movie... it has to do with simple contact...with themselves and others. I knew the figures and forms but I needed to connect with Dana... wanted to make the two go together. So we started out by deepening our own communication and then looking for a way to show others how to connect more profoundly.

Dana is very intuitive... she naturally feels things ..all things...she makes easy connections and you see it in the dance as well. I was studying the form, movement but with her, I started thinking about movement in space and then Dana brought it down to a finer level. With the combination of our personalities, it just became totally different. We each brought something different to the dance, so we had to find a common language. Basically, our teaching technique uses language based on anatomy but the motivation is two people who want to communicate through a common language.

The old milonguero went out every night... dancing the Tango ...holding lots of different women, and he can't help but have certain feelings about these women. It's not a real life today to do what the old milongueros did. I envy their ability to stay out all night but is that the life I want?

Q: I know we were talking about the need for a new communication but why can't the youth of today learn the same way? Is it possible to learn by going out every night, dancing all the time?

Pablo: I have 3 points...
1. Society has changed - there are different people dancing today... with professional careers... so they have another life outside the dance. Also the milonga has changed... perhaps the milonga loses its mystique because of the changes. I don't know if it's good or bad. For example, people want to dance in big spaces. They want to express themselves, be more open. And there is another generation that wants to be close. So people will sometimes say."This is Tango" or "This is not Tango".
We dance mostly open but we don't want to reject the old style or be in conflict. This is very important because I don't want to make a distinction that this works... this doesn't work. To be able to have a dialogue with Dana - that's what is important.
For instance, women always had to close the legs. We think .. open your legs.. express yourself. It used to be that the man defined everything. Today, he creates a space for the woman to be beautiful. He decides the space, and rhythm and the women make it beautiful.

2. The dialogue with the other people as the spaces change. There's a difference in what you can express in a class vs. a milonga. In class we keep adding things... but in a milonga, you take out ... select... filter...and explore this kind of sensation. Maybe 5 years from now, the dance halls will be huge. Today, the reality is that you train your body with what you learn in class which is huge, and take it and make it small for the dance. It is harder to do the dance small. To translate the big things to a small movement is the most difficult. So the milonga has this intimate characteristic. In Europe, where sometimes the spaces are bigger, it doesn't make the dance more intimate. It makes it different. What is important and beautiful is to learn what you want to do. It is important not to lose the quality of intimacy within a space surrounded by other partners.

Dana joins us and gives us all kisses and hugs.

Q: And the third point?

Pablo: I forgot (much laughter)

Q:and teaching... do you enjoy it?

Dana: Yes. I enjoy it. There are a lot of people giving classes that shouldn't be, but it's not just giving classes. You must be able to teach. Many dancers are really good dancers, but I don't believe that they are great teachers. There aren't a lot of great teachers, because they don't study to become great teachers. Their lives aren't about serving as a teacher. To be a good teacher, you must know anatomy and understand how the body makes the movement happen. And teachers must have a love for what they are doing. So when we're talking about a teacher, we're not talking about teachers that get gratification from applause, or have their picture on a big poster. They have to feel happiness when the student learns. There are people who work very hard to become good teachers.. but not a lot.

Q: So a quality of a good teacher is to care for students?

Dana: The teachers have to understand how people function in their heads. And all the different cultures. Every culture has its own problems... physical and psychic. Everybody brings their own baggage or sense of self from their culture so when we are working with that person, we must have an understanding of that student's background. The teacher must also understand themselves.

Pablo: The Tango reflects what we don't want to see about ourselves in the other person. For example, if I dance with Ronnie, and it doesn't work I am seeing a reflection of my inability to lead in Ronnie and vice versa. But instead of understanding this reflection, we might say to each other, "You're not following" or "You're not leading well".

I might go to the milonga and hear something in the music and I want to express some feeling or movement but I can't because I am dancing with another person. So in dancing with any given partner, I have the opportunity to discover something new, that I haven't discovered with Dana. So each partner brings something different and it is an opportunity.

Dana: Pablo's way of expression is not common and that's because he enjoys dancing with most people. He really likes to explore what he can learn and experience with different people. That's what is lovely about dancing with different people and that quality of exploration is something this generation needs to do. It has to do with humility, lack of ego, and a desire to share. Just because you know the dance, there is always the opportunity to learn more. The professional dancers need to be reflective and careful of their own path because they can lose the love for what they are doing.

Q: The two of you dance with an aura of intimacy. Is that quality the most important to you?

Pablo: For me, it's what I'm looking for the most, but you can't achieve it with everyone. The intimacy has to come from both sides. Sometimes one part wants more than the other and they have to find a common ground. Sometimes you go into embrace but you don't feel anything... just the weight. It's not that it's bad. It just has its limits.

Dana: The toughest but the most rewarding search is going within oneself. If you don't go inside yourself, Tango is just like anything else. For instance, you can sit with a friend and have a coffee together and you can get to know each other through dialogue but not physical.

Q: Tango adds another quality?

Dana: The emotion comes before the intellect in Tango. An aroma, physical contact, musica.... We don't have to speak English, Japanese, or Spanish. It is not important. So the marvelous thing for me about Tango and what I think will last in history is that they come together... the cultures come together... doesn't depend on social class, intellect...these two things that are so important in today's society don't matter in Tango.

The embrace and how I present myself and the senses are important... and that's why it's so fabulous. I began speaking English two years ago, but I've been teaching Tango for 8 years and I have taught Tango all over the world. Obviously there's something that transcends the spoken language. Sometimes you go to a milonga, and you meet someone you might not say hello to on the street.

Q: But don't you think that the milonga has its own classism? Young blond women getting asked to dance more, regardless of their dance ability?

Pablo: I think the milonga reflects what is going on in society. In the old days, the young people had to stay on the sidelines. Now the young people can go out and do their own thing. Maybe the older generation feels bad about that.

Dana: That thing about blonds is inevitable... that's life. The goal should be - how can we be better people not just better dancers. People who are older must have more love and believe they can change the situation. There are some people like Pablo who dance with people who really want to dance. It doesn't matter how big, how old. etc. The most important thing to convey is your attitude... that you "like yourself" and people will notice and ask you to dance. If they don't ask the older lady in the first hour, you must not get tense. If you do, you will certainly not be asked to dance. Everybody needs this kind of attitude because there will always be young pretty girls... and even with the young women, they can go to a milonga and not dance as much as they want.

So in a milonga where you have all age ranges, the idea is to generate a group of people who know each other, and these people dance with each other to become more of a close group... more solidarity. For example, we go to a milonga together and we dance all night... but maybe Sebastian isn't dancing. I see this and will say, "I want to dance with Sebastian". Another night when I am not dancing, Sebastian will ask me. This is the way life is. We may want to dance with a particular person so - what do we do? My advice is to learn to dance better and when you dance with someone, open your heart and give something that maybe the pretty girls can't. There are pretty women who have only had 4 classes, and they will dance at the milonga but the really good dancers would rather dance with a unattractive person who dances really well.

Q: What are the qualities that a leader should strive for?

Pablo: They have to be very prepared for whatever happens. For example, if I dance with Ronnie, she surrenders her body to me and why should she surrender her body if I don't lead well. And the leader, as I mentioned before, is constantly receiving his own reflection from his partner.

The greatest challenge for the leader is to recognize what he doesn't know - what he needs. Typically he doesn't want to his partner to know what is missing but he must be aware. So he has to show all the good stuff to his partner and understand at the same time what is missing.

Dana: To lead, work with the partner, the space, the music. all at the same time.

Pablo: I think women are used to juggling many things at the same time. It's more difficult for men. When Dana wants to explain a movement to me, she will say, "Move this way with this music, feel my weight, relax your hand, stretch out your leg, relax your hips, flex your weighted leg. And don't forget to breath". (Everybody laughs and Dana gives Pablo a big smile)

Q: And the qualities for followers?

Dana: Sensitivity... being open and able to accept what the leader is proposing.... listening to the music and to propose their own part of the dance. To make the leader feel good, which is the most difficult part. Technically speaking, he proposes and I have to respond immediately. I need to learn how to follow but, afterwards, I must be willing to take risks. It is the difference between dancing and following.

Women want to learn what they think they don't know... the figures. I feel that they need to learn how their body functions when transferring weight and in connection with the leader.... what it feels like to be on axis... how to get to the next step in continuous contact with the leader and what to do with my free leg at the same time... that is Tango technically speaking.

Pablo: The follower doesn't need to learn the structure of the dance but it is important to Dana because she wants to learn everything.
If the follower knows a lot about the dance, she can become unhappy because the more she knows the more she expects. She thinks the most important thing is the figures. I think the more important thing is if she feels good in the embrace.

Dana's mother teaches yoga here. We started to take classes with her 6 years ago. Now, Stella is starting to change her technique by incorporating some of our work... to discover Tango movements within yoga. This works well because you work alone in yoga and can focus more on the body.

Q: What are the qualities of a good student?

Pablo: Someone who has their child part well explored.

Dana: The person who really tries to understand what is being proposed, asks questions, and works after class. I can always tell who is working hard.

Q: And going back to the concept about relating to different cultures, do foreign students have common traits?

Dana: German, Nordic - They tend to be shy and have stiff hips. Most of their motion is in the upper body. Also there are problems with ankles, flat feet, and shins. They are also not accustomed to using their joints.

Pablo: Asian - The men have more flexibility, mentally and physically, than the women. Maybe it's because the women were oppressed for so long. For instant, if I want a boleo, it is less work to make the man to do the boleo than the woman.

Dana: Americans - trust. When you want to learn, a student needs to trust. They always want proof that you are a good teacher... your credentials.
The French are like Argentines. They think they know everything. (Laughter)

Q: In Tango, describe some light bulb moments - when you feel excited?

Dana: When I practice, am at a milonga, or in an exhibition, I take off. Sometimes I die of pleasure. Sometimes I find myself in a big embrace.

Pablo: When I rehearse and discover something or, before, when I used to go to milongas more, something would be revealed.
In class, it's when I am able to convey something serious in a playful light manner. In exhibitions, it's the time before the applause... when it breaks the silence.

Q: How about perfect moments for the two of you?

Dana: All day - everyday but not when I'm tired. I need a vacation.

Pablo: When we communicate - cooking together - in bed (whhhhhhoooooaaa - and squeals from the spectators) - being silent together but breathing together ... and this is not always. We achieve this in one moment but it is the result of all the work before.

Dana: Being able to laugh together... especially when we fall.

Pablo: When I feel her weight and it is totally dependent on me - at that moment I feel her total trust and it doesn't matter if I make a mistake.

Q: Please describe Tango as a color with shape and movement.

Pablo: The form of our logo - round - when it goes in one direction something responds in another.
Circular movements - it's like big drops of color... radiating. The base is a plain color but the drops add color - suddenly a drop of red - a lot of dynamic because if it wasn't dynamic, it wouldn't shine.

Dana: I totally agree.

Q: Any last advice that you would like to give?

Pablo: Don't be afraid to dance... to sing... to paint. We carry these things inside ourselves. Everyone is born with these gifts. We can't say we don't like it. Everyone likes it! It's just that we are afraid. There's no particular age to explore, to discover movement. You have to stretch yourself. Movement is a natural expression. Anyone who teaches Tango does a favor for Tango and it's up to the student to respectfully obligate the teacher to learn more. It's wonderful that anyone is teaching Tango.

Dana: In this way... I agree... I thank people who teach Tango in the world but they need to keep learning.

2008-03-13T11:46:00.009-05:00

i wish i more often had the time to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day. when i do get away from work long enough to stop by the nearest Schnucks, i wander through the clean, brightly-lit aisles. i could stay for hours if time allowed. today i snuck away at 10:30AM to visit the grocery store across the street. the cars in the parking lot were sparse. the store was quiet and welcoming. i love examining the various veggie varieties and comparing Midwest produce prices to Texas produce prices. i love to spy on how ripe the bananas are- are they green or yellow? i love to count the different types of apples. i love to look at freshly cut pineapple cubes. i love to watch the bakery employees place freshly-baked goods in the display shelves. i love to spend 10 minutes deciding which kind of soup to have for lunch. i love to read the ingredients on the backs of boxes. i love to pretend as if i'm really going to buy another box of breakfast cereal. i love to look longingly at the loaves of artisan bread. i love to look at cookie cakes and the different brands of orange juice. i love to check out the new concoctions that people dream up in the frozen meal aisles. i love to people-watch and see what different customers put in their shopping carts. today in the 20 items or less express lane, the entire purchase of a tall, caucasian woman in front of me consisted of only 2 massive bottles of Sriracha sauce and a bunch of scallions. it made me grin.

---

"Good writers define reality; bad ones merely restate it. A good writer turns fact into truth; a bad writer will, more often than not, accomplish the opposite." (edward albee)

- from Kristan

---

ever since i was old enough to write complete sentences in English, my mother encouraged journal-writing as a way to organize my thoughts and practice my language skills. my first occupational desire was to become an "Author" (i would pronounce it "Arthur"). my mom's advice was, writers write best when they write about what they know and what they have experienced.

it's been a long time since i revisited the idea of "being a writer." technology has launched a new category of writers. bloggers are rampant- amateurs and professionals alike. and sometimes even sound bites can't keep our interest.

sometimes we're forced to believe that in order to write, we need a consistent audience. sure, i'm guilty of checking my webstats daily. i'm guilty of wondering if people ever read my writing. but honestly, in the end, writing is therapeutic. i hope i can organize 7 years of sporadic, chaotic blogginess into something more maintainable. until then, my fragmented thoughts still serve a purpose in my life, even if i rarely remember to acknowledge how large of an impact this online journal has had on me.

2008-03-11T10:15:00.006-05:00

i remember walking to the 7 Eleven and buying onigiri for an after-running snack. the hour-long bus ride home through the richest part of town, arriving in the poorest. coffeehouses with xiaowei. windy sandstorms, taking the train. bicycling and orange juice. fitting in, standing out.

conversations in complex Mandarin about love and sex. tea and 包子every morning. reviewing vocabulary and writing a pageful of characters at 7AM. quiz immediately following. waking up early. the beijing air. cooking dumplings every night. bootleg movies and holding hands.

----

despite my struggles over the past few years (hehe), i still have a fixation with food. i think food plays an important role in relationships. i think it's important to be happy when you eat together. i think meals should be something you look forward to, whether it's a homemade peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich or a fancy celebration dinner.

i think a lot about the scene in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where they are eating Chinese food and Clementine talks about her annoyance with hair in the shower. Joel ponders, "Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?"

i know that it's inevitable that "dining" becomes routine; it's something that you have to do every day. but what about the magic of sitting at a table for two, people-watching, new-food-tasting, maybe touching, maybe talking, maybe silent, while still enjoying one of life's necessities?

----

when i live in one place again, i'm going to make more consistent times to take a bunch of cameras out to play. i'm looking for a partner in crime.

----

i looked for your name on the SXSW film roster.

----

2008-03-11T09:13:00.003-05:00

NYT's readers' comments on changing habits/attitudes with the changing gas prices.

Nothing will change. The prices can go up and people will just keep on driving in some cases all the way to the poor house. The price for gasoline in Norway is three times that in the United States.... most of it in taxes. People still drive. Last summer while visiting with my sister in Massachusetts,my wife and I walked a lot and were the only ones on the sidewalks. One evening I was walking late at night and was questioned by the police as to what I was doing. They couldn't believe it when I said I was just walking. My sister,who complains bitterly about the price of gas,jumps in her car many times a day to "shop". She could walk to the shops for the few things she might need but it would never occur to her to do so. Most drive to an "exercise" center when all they need to do is walk around an hour a day.

— Nick O'Neill, Skien, Norway

America deserves this financial punishment. In 1973 small cars with high mileage to fuel ratios looked to be in everyone's future. But, oh no, the American public soon agreed with the automakers that bigger was still better. Then out came the SUVs and that ended our chance to become oil independent. Now we begin to pay the piper for our stupidity.

— william l fell, athens, ga

---

On Zuckerberg's keynote address at Austin's SXSWi.
And "what's on tap" at SXSWi.

2008-03-10T16:22:00.004-05:00

it's one of those days that i spend about 7 hours browsing flickr and reading the news. but that's between me and you.

--

"It's funny how much effort we invest into goodbyes. If only the rest of our interaction was equally energetic. We squeeze all of our conversation into the short-term ones. We squeeze all of our future longing into the long-term ones." - trey p.

--

Cooking Light names top 20 cities that best fit philosophy of eat smart, be fit, and live well.

--

reading up on snowboarding tips...

--

recently i've had a lot of dialogue with friends about moving away from austin.
here are more reasons not to.

--

always being away from home takes its toll. i can't wait for more regular weekends at home so i can start working on side projects again. the evolution of web development amazes me. jon is still trying to come up with our million dollar idea of a partnership.

2008-03-10T11:23:00.003-05:00

the sunshine returns in the cold, tasteless midwest. i balance between missouri and illinois, and the heat of my indecision blows across the sidewalk like last week's storm. the lukewarm ice melts my insecurities, and they pool at your feet. you sidestep drowning with a staccato beat,
here. i. am. here. i. am. defying defeat.

phonecam in st. louis.

2008-03-10T11:13:00.002-05:00

"我能想到最浪漫的事
就是和你一起慢慢變老"

.

if you can't read the characters,

"wo neng xiang dao zui lang man de shi
jiu shi he ni yi qi man man bian lao"

.

if you don't know mandarin,

"the most romantic thing i can think of...
is to grow old by your side"

2008-03-04T12:01:00.004-06:00

global art project:
http://www.global-art.org/about/projectdescription.html

i was heartbroken when emy and aydee told me that bananas are full of carbs. i think i can officially attribute my wider waistline to the fact that i eat twice the carbs i'm supposed to.

---

snowboarding is perhaps the most exciting sport i've ever tried. i felt like i was on a flying hoverboard. even riding the ski lift was exhilirating (is that sad?). as a side note... falling 50 times and getting back up again is great exercise.

---

in Science News, Gene That Can Block The Spread Of HIV Discovered.

---

cameras...

holga/diana?

olympus pen ee

2008-03-03T21:31:00.002-06:00

it's almost spring, can you hear it?

"i'm searching for a sound that sounds soft and warm and comfortable
no matter how you turn up the volume" - april of kitchenweb

"learning to love you more" #3

2008-03-02T23:41:00.001-06:00

snow falling outside our windows this morning.

if only...

2008-02-28T17:16:00.001-06:00

Crumpler has some sexy bags.

2008-02-28T08:42:00.004-06:00

almost March.

my coworkers help me retain a few ounces of sanity here and there. after work, we indulge in broomball, hockey games, sushi, chocolate, frozen custard, running in the park at night, and poker games. some days i just curl up in my room with some good Sex and the City. some days i have so much i want to confess, and i just need to write.

brian and i went to forest park to watch the lunar eclipse. it was freezing and we were wusses so we stayed in the heated car. i ended up upside-down in the passenger seat to get a better view.

for a month now (wait, who am i kidding, for years), i've struggled with the sense of displacement. it's hollow and filling at the same time to be captive in this city. while on the plane on monday morning, i asked myself the same questions. i haven't been able to reach out and firmly root myself in other people's lives. i crave community, and yet i'm drifting month to month with no anchor and no purpose. Austin seems so transient; i don't feel tied there. it still seems to be a home in passing.

we're all moving in different directions, desperately trying to get noticed. not necessarily by someone else, but by at least our own hearts. we listen to the buzz of politics and we try to contain the twisting tongues of media. we live in a world where more people know about angelina jolie's personal life than world history or english literature. where people obsess over chic product advertisement and forget that they're just contributing to destructive mass consumption. and can we really boast that we are moving forward when we just sit here treading water, just struggling to stave off stalemate?

-

slowly and quietly, you make me believe in romance. i make the same mistakes i've always made, and yet you allow me to believe in redemption. i intentionally disclose my flaws, and you simply swallow my honesty with unwavering appetite. and for that, i want to give you just one night during which i can hold back the tears and tell you straight up, tonight, tonight is for our future and not my past.

--

natalie merchant- my skin

2008-02-26T13:53:00.003-06:00

snow is falling outside. unlike last week's ice storm, this is the gentle, loving kind of snowfall.

like the song promises, the snowflakes cling steadfastly to my nose and eyelashes, and i walk to work with a smile on my face.

2008-02-26T13:42:00.002-06:00

so. i've been researching rangefinder cameras and scouring craigslist for a decent canon AE-1 to buy.

i am sadly addicted to a hobby i have no time for.

---

osanpo camera theme is your free walking snap & joyful walking your life's snap.
On a street, In a train, In a cafe and more.
Please post your encounter, your discovery, your wonder and more.

"osanpo" mean is ...

osanpo = お散歩 (o-san-po)
お散歩 = 散歩 (san-po)
散 (san) = free
歩 (po) = walking
So.... osanpo = free walking.
and expanded "osanpo" meaning = "free walking, free riding, free driving"
So... osanpo camera = osanpo with your camera.

*

Moving freely.

Free walking.
Free riding.
Free driving... etc.

With your camera.

That is not to limit to neighborhood.

flickr's osanpo pool

2008-02-25T18:27:00.001-06:00

I love this magazine. every time i see it in a store i really want to buy it. but i resist the urge.

Real Simple presents 101 new uses for everyday things :)

2008-02-25T15:48:00.004-06:00

This morning, Jon and I talked about the extraordinary prices of Starbucks coffee.

This weekend, tu's recommendation led hieu and me to The Steeping Room at the Domain.

(the photo seems a little dark because i didn't edit it for lighting)

brightly lit and surprisingly cheery for a tea place, we enjoyed the organic feel to the tea and the appetizers. the imperial chicken soup was surprisingly ginger-y and cilantro-y, while the jasmine tea tasted like spring. the lychee black tea made me think of fiery days in vietnam.

the sweet thing about tea is that it makes me feel like everything around me has slowed down. usually when people grab coffee, it's to wake up with that jolt of caffeine. i always feel restless when i'm drinking coffee.

i love the ritual of choosing tea, waiting for it to steep, pouring it into the teacups, waiting for it to cool, searching for the curious sweet or salty tastes that pair well with whatever tea leaves i happen to be using. not to mention, i'm on a constant quest to find the perfect soy chai.

the waitress was really accommodating. hieu let me squeeze next to him into the booth-meant-for-one, and the waitress laughed and said she does the same. she made sure our food was placed all on one side towards us.

we walked out into the sultry 60 degree Austin evening with cups of tea in our hands, and i felt like all was right with the world.

2008-02-25T13:17:00.001-06:00

houston! we're lagging behind detroit. VOTE AND SHOW THE LOVE http://www.colgate.com/showthelove

Vote to Help a Hospital Receive a Fun Center During Black History Month!

To vote, simply visit www.colgate.com/showtheloveand pick a city and a hospital and then place your vote. The promotion runs through the month of February. Note: each user can vote once per day.

Colgate-Palmolive and Starlight have teamed up this year to help children with Sickle Cell Disease and their families cope with the pain, fear and isolation of this terrible disease. By providing hospitals with Fun Centers, seriously ill children can forget about their illnesses for a moment and remember how to have fun.

"Helping seriously ill children and their families cope with their pain, fear, and isolation through entertainment, education, and family activities."

2008-02-25T05:02:00.000-06:00

"And in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and
the sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things, the heart finds its morning
and is refreshed."

-Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

2008-02-17T23:33:00.000-06:00

i want to go to a national park and sit somewhere quietly while snow falls around me.

2008-02-17T23:15:00.001-06:00

2008-02-17T21:38:00.002-06:00

end-of-day appreciations

- waking up early
- cecil is going to the DC tango marathon
- hieu coming here for valentine weekend
- a cellphone that actually works. all the time.
- clean laundry and bedsheets
- laurie's homemade cookies
- being home
- mellow music
- 24 hour fitness
- my high school friends
- dudek's stories
- red woven glomitts
- the stars
- soy ice cream
- dim sum
- perfect austin weather
- stretching
- kristin lending me her ski clothes
- naps

2008-02-14T11:40:00.003-06:00

i haven't spoken to you in 4 months, and yet you've been in every dream that i have been able to remember these past two weeks.

--

happy valentine's day! my fever has subsided and i finally get to find out what the surprise is tonight.

psst- i've uploaded (almost) all of my photos since high school to a flickr account. enjoy.

2008-02-10T17:22:00.000-06:00

everybody's going to war,
but we don't know what we're fighting for,
don't tell me it's a worthy cause,
no cause could be so worthy.

if love is a drug, then i guess we're all sober,
if hope is a song then i guess it's all over,
how to have faith, when faith is a crime?
i don't want to die...
if God's on our side, then God is a joker,
asleep on the job, his children fall over,
running out through the door and straight to the sky,
i don't want to die...

for every man who wants to rule the world,
there'll be a man who just wants to be free,
what do we learn but what should not be learned?

nerina pallot

2008-02-08T09:30:00.000-06:00

Fun center for Memorial Hermann. VOTE NOW, HOUSTON!!!

2008-02-03T12:25:00.001-06:00

"dicen que el amor siempre llega en septiembre"

2008-01-31T19:25:00.000-06:00

so i'm talking to Ali about love
(it's like a movie where i have this ongoing conversation with my regular taxi driver)
and he's like, don't lie to yourself and do more for him than you feel.
commitment
youth
etc.

2008-01-31T19:01:00.000-06:00

we're dropping out of the Texas sky, rushing towards the misshapen fields of green, shaking off the dusty Missouri snow, rebel in the clouds, sprinting steadfastly, i'm licking my lips and tasting warm air, i'm gripping the seat remembering home, god i crave tango, i'm clean, i'm bleeding, i'm on the ice in negative degree weather, i breathe you in. neruda, find me, i've surrendered. you win.

2008-01-28T11:57:00.001-06:00

5K yesterday morning - 28:11 on 2 hours of sleep.
9:05 min/mi
quite a lot better than i expected to do. 56/218 for my gender and age group isn't all that bad, right? lol.

2008-01-24T11:05:00.000-06:00

for tango dancers and non-tango dancers alike. If you'll be in Houston, Glover Gill plays at Rice University on Friday.

2008-01-21T00:33:00.000-06:00

"I Melt With You" Nouvelle Vague
"Now at Last" Feist

i would give anything to be able to say "i drove to the coast today to take in the sun on a beautiful sunday." but i did run around town lake in 40 degree weather. and damn, it was gorgeous.

is intelligent eloquence too much to ask for?

"good writers are dangerous," according to Tu.
i don't want to take you for granted.

tango fix on friday.
my communications professor (the one who tango dances) is completing his dissertation on the non-existence of self-confidence as we define it.
richard made my week as he talked about the impression he has of me as a follow. don, on "dancing with you is like driving with power steering." why do i keep getting compared to an automobile?

2008-01-20T18:15:00.000-06:00

i need to write
about the way it feels to put the kettle on for tea at home
with two roommates talking in the background
washing the dishes
the sound of christmas lights

i need to write about the sweat across your eyebrows
your left hand tiptoeing across my back
your eyes navigating my cheeks

i need to write about simplicity
something like dreaming
but more tangible
like two eggs,
sunny side up
chipotle salsa
and pita bread

you like music in the background
you said thank you
you said i didn't have to
even though i already knew

i'm a secret you want to keep
but have we even gotten that deep?

2008-01-18T15:26:00.000-06:00

oh it's healing - bang bang bang
i can hear your cannons call
you've been aiming at my land
your hungry hammer is falling

and if you want me i'm your country

i'm an angel bored like hell
and you're a devil meaning well
you steal my lines and you strike me dumb
come raise your flag upon me

and if you want me i'm your country
if you win me i'm forever

'cause you're the storm that i've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
i like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that I believe in

come and conquer and drop your bombs
cross my borders and kill the calm
bear your fangs and burn my wings
i hear bullets singing

and if you want me i'm your country
if you win me i'm forever

'cause you're the storm that i've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
i need some wind to get me sailing
so it's the storm that i believe in

you fill my heart, you keep me breathing
'cause you're the storm that i believe in

and if you want me i'm your country

the cardigans- you're the storm

2008-01-16T14:43:00.000-06:00

S: Why sad face?
me: just stressed
how are you?
S: Doin' pretty well. Working. You know.
I'm going to visit some family tomorrow.
San Francisco, here I come, right back where I started from.
me: wow
that's great
i love sf
S: Yeah. I look foreward to it.
me: that's too bad, the first weekend i'm back in austin too :)
S: Aw.
That is pretty sad.
Now I've got a sad face.
:(
me: lol aww nooo
san fran is way better
you shouldn't have a sad face
S: Better than seeing you?
me: sadly, i have to admit that i can't even begin to compare to san francisco
S: Pish posh.
Well, San Francisco is pretty awesome.
However, its way easier to go there than to see you it seems.
It doesn't move around nearly as much.
me: lol
touche
good point

2008-01-14T13:33:00.000-06:00

i live in some kind of a chaotic order. or an orderly chaos. one of the two. i'm not sure what i do all day, and i'm not sure how i stay on top of things without ever stopping to really breathe.

at 4:30AM, rusty and i were sitting in the Austin airport terminal. i felt mostly like i was dreaming, even while consciously awake.

rusty began a semi-monologue about something and i zoned out until he started talking about how he gets this overwhelming energy when he stays at our house, and he can tell that laurie and i think on an elevated plane when compared to most people.

i talked about how i felt frustrated because i haven't really had an outlet that is equal to the level on which i think. not to say that i'm necessarily "above" anyone in particular; just that i feel like the wavelengths i've been experiencing are mismatched with my own.

we sat in the kitchen last night and alyson talked about doug, and how his way of thinking almost mirrored her own. that he thinks in narrative form similar to how she thinks. that their first date was perfect, and he "took me to veggie heaven, paid for everything, opened my door, drove..."

alyson's words made me think about you. sometimes i think you walked straight out of the bulleted list in my head of "what i am currently looking for in a man." like one of those things that seem frighteningly perfect on paper, but somehow don't fit quite right. everything you say is almost perfect. every response you have to a neurosis of mine is almost perfect. i can tell that you really have no idea what you're doing, and yet at the same time you're determined to do it anyway. it scares me a little that despite all my defenses, i'm letting you stay.

2008-01-14T13:18:00.000-06:00

2007.

i signed my life away in the form of a job acceptance. i survived the "emergency inclement weather" that closed school down during january. i finally surrendered and let my cartilage piercing close up. i did my first band photo shoot. my modern dance teacher inspired me and i re-learned that DANCE WILL SAVE THE WORLD. i went to listen to jazz at the elephant room for the first time. i took two classes of bikram yoga. i went to new york for the.. third or fourth? time in march. i stayed in the east village. i went to an exhibit of henri cartier-bresson's photographs. i tango danced in the City with an italian woman. i danced tango in the Blanton Museum. visited a winery. saw the spazmatics. i gave up at rock climbing. i lindy-hopped. i rode in a red convertible down 2222. at dusk and at night. i danced salsa on sunday at the oasis. i went sailing on lake travis.
i graduated with three undergraduate degrees. i watched my sister graduate. B.B. king sang at her graduation.
i went to Sky Bar to salsa dance. i went to thailand, vietnam, cambodia, and laos. i mountain biked. i wiped out. gained a scar on my right thigh. got really tan. jumped off the top of a ship. took cooking classes in Laos and in Thailand. got massages. hiked. visited temples. rode in a cable car. was moved to tears by a temple in Vietnam. was in a bus-car accident. went "white water rafting". heard from xiaowei again. went down a zip-chord line into the river. went tubing. woke up next to the mekong delta. practiced playing pool. salsa danced in houston for two weeks straight. i sang karaoke. i went to acl (all three days). i fell out of love. my heart got broken, again. i found that, despite it all, i'm still ridiculously attracted to latin men. i casually dated for the first time and got hurt several times. i broke hearts. almost fell in love again. i started work. i moved into a house in south austin. i attended training with europeans. i went to chicago for the first time. i ate deep dish pizza. i visited the bean. i stayed in chinatown. i went to the around the coyote festival. i discovered tango lilies. i started to remember what first dates feel like. i ate at Uchi. i went water skiing. lost two friends in one week (what's wrong with me?). my canon s80 broke. i bought a Lomo LC-A and an Olympus XA-2 to start playing with 35mm photography again. i got drunk. i danced. i developed a severe addiction to argentine tango. i danced in austin, i danced in houston, i danced in dc, i danced in new york, i danced in chicago. i was staffed on my first project in st. louis. i bought another canon camera to replace stephane. i watched RENT again, live, in houston. i attended Fandango de Tango. i made pineapple upside-down cake. i watched Wicked in St. Louis. i went to new york city again to celebrate new year's eve. felt lonely at night and woke up feeling loved.

2008-01-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

oh. my gosh

austin.

2008-01-10T15:32:00.001-06:00

two years ago when i first started traveling, my mom would scold me about being a heavy packer.

i packed for thirteen nights/days (of work AND play) in a carry-on.
during the winter time.
as in,
sweaters, slacks, shoes, boots, hats, scarves, and everything else.

take that.

2008-01-08T14:59:00.000-06:00

8.
i haven't written down a music list in a while
as always, my lists are some oldies and some newies but always goodies :)

anything by matt nathanson
esteban morgado- morena
brett dennen - desert sunrise
brett dennen- just like the moon
john mayer- waiting on the world to change
alejandro sanz ft shakira- te lo agradezco pero no
jason michael carroll - livin our love song
amos lee- shout out loud
cafe tacuba- eres
gavin degraw- follow through
damien rice- cannonball
juanes- me enamora
miranda- perfecta
juanes- me enamora
natasha bedingfield ft sean kingston- love like this
alicia keys- no one (and all the remixes)
gotan project- queremos paz
fall out boys- sugar we're going down
damien rice- accidental babies
rilo kiley- silver lining
norah jones- not too late
dave matthews band- out of my hands
snow patrol- you could be happy

9.
since when was there an Alamo Drafthouse in houston?

10.
i have no idea where Tu got this from, but

"At the end of the day, the ideal Gemini soul mate has a Ph.D., and is a world traveler with countless tales to tell."
lol. touche.

11.
okay, i picked this book at the barnes and noble in union square because tu had mentioned it. but, WOW. i haven't read all of it, but Tu's quote solidifies the fact that i need to.

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, there person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby--you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that's can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

...

"But I wish me and David could--"

"See now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

12.
new york salsa dancers dance "on 2".

it's a whole sub culture. shirts with ON 2 scrawled on them. men yelling counts in my ear so that i change the way i follow. haha.

2008-01-08T09:02:00.000-06:00

1.
there is a certain restlessness that sidles up and takes the hand of loneliness.

i think we are on a search together.
physically apart, perhaps, but even while walking on the polar edges of our personalities, we are locked in an attempt to find one another. or at least, to find ourselves.

NYT- To Walk a Landscape Is to Know It

2.
i started listening to country music again yesterday on the way from the airport to work. i can taste the memories of spinning across the floor at Midnight Rodeo. last night after work, tim took me to Forest Park and i ran a hard 40 minutes with him on no sleep. the bare tree branches clutched at the clouds outlined in royal purple, and i listened to the silence that followed us on the trail. my breath came out in shapes of science, and as we approached the water i felt elation spread like fire across my chest.

3.
i danced with some fascinating people over the course of my week in New York City. One of these leads happened to be a teacher of the Alexander Technique. (this is the one who told me that i am a freak of nature and that he wants to follow my life). he told me about mirror neurons and how they allow us to learn something (like tango) through observation alone.

4.
the streets of new york city take on this wrenching soul when it's dark and no one is around. i can feel their limbs and bones stretching and yearning for something through the emptiness.

5.
is there something therapeutic in the routine?

a: being an anchor is tough
so how about a harbor for a little ship like me

b: i don't want to be a harbor
i want to be an anchor
at least i can travel with the little ship

6.
i start a lot of projects and never complete them. man, talk about living up to being a gemini.

7.
the simple things. tomato basil capers pasta.
eric clapton, pink floyd, and "wild thing"
in the end,
"hands down"

dreams just scatter
and fall
like
rain.

2008-01-07T14:49:00.000-06:00

i love the curveballs that life throws.

jeff, who instantly notices my fixation on the sky and weather. israeli david, "breath of fresh air," asian david, "move to new york so we can tango and salsa every night," noah the hopscotch professional (hah), daniel, "you're a freak of nature, i want to follow your life."

and then there is texas!

i miss grocery shopping in austin, the late nights at the red river hancock center HEB. i miss walking leisurely around, looking longingly at forbidden breakfast cereals. i miss the taquerias with jukeboxes playing norteno. i miss the polluted sunsets and the midnight runs on glistening streets. i miss the gym. i miss my bed. i miss my kitchen. i miss our hardwood floors, my photos on the wall, the paintings. i miss my closets. i miss being able to hang up my clothes. i miss having my own toiletries in the bathroom rather than in a toiletry bag. i miss going on walks.
i miss laurie's cookies and milissa's soup. i miss my cameras and my supply of film.

i miss rice. i miss ...

2008-01-07T04:01:00.000-06:00

new year's 2008
28: marriott floor
29: korean bbq in ktown, pinkberry, salsa dancing @ gonzalez y gonzalez, queens
30: east village, chinese food, little greece, times square
31: washington square, italian in east village, cha-an teahouse, whole foods, union square, chinese food, roseland ballroom madness, marriott bed
1: blue man group, sharaku soba, st. marks bookstore, queens
2: sentaya? malaysian with rushan in flushing, bubble tea, banana chocolate chip, lafayette grille milonga tango dancing, queens
3: toyama sushi with diane/dp/yvonne, frim fram jam swing dancing, queens
4: columbus 72 salsa dancing/hip hop, queens
5: union square market, veselka ukranian brunch with scott, scott's apt, stuyvesant, bookstore, afternoon milonga @ triangulo, photo printing, milonga @ studio 101, uptown 86th
6: breakfast/pasta at matteo's apt, queens, Bocca italian, salsa dancing @ dance manhattan, walk to olivia's, mark brenner's chocolate by the bald man, queens
7: LGA at 3:30AM

2008-01-01T20:28:00.000-06:00

happy new year.

i have a newfound appreciation for cold weather!

2007-12-30T12:15:00.000-06:00

"All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

"In order to live fully, it is necessary to be in constant movement. Only then can each day be different from the last."

Paolo Coelho.

2007-12-19T12:41:00.000-06:00

"The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions." mike krzyzewski

2007-12-18T14:52:00.000-06:00

everything inside me yelling no, not yet
everyone around me saying, no, trust me it's for the best
but something's still whispering, yes, yes. yes.

2007-12-18T11:11:00.000-06:00

i met this photographer at the holiday market in DC. his name was joe. he had sparkling blue or green eyes (i don't remember which... maybe both.)
he took his prints one day to the eastern market. 20 prints. and sold them all. now it's his full time job.

stop and see (and hear) the beauty in life. it's worth it. that article about joshua bell blew me away. you should listen to his performance. it's unbelievable.

the day after i read the article, a couple behind me on the escalator were talking about the "violinist in dc." i turned around and talked to them about the article. the woman and i agreed, "if only i had been there to listen... i would have stayed." but isn't that what we all say?

Excerpt from the article for the lazy ones who don't want to read the whole thing (oh, the irony...):

'The poet Billy Collins once laughingly observed that all babies are born with a knowledge of poetry, because the lub-dub of the mother's heart is in iambic meter. Then, Collins said, life slowly starts to choke the poetry out of us. It may be true with music, too.

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

-- from "Leisure," by W.H. Davies

Not much has changed. Pop in a DVD of "Koyaanisqatsi," the wordless, darkly brilliant, avant-garde 1982 film about the frenetic speed of modern life. Backed by the minimalist music of Philip Glass, director Godfrey Reggio takes film clips of Americans going about their daily business, but speeds them up until they resemble assembly-line machines, robots marching lockstep to nowhere. Now look at the video from L'Enfant Plaza, in fast-forward. The Philip Glass soundtrack fits it perfectly.

"Koyaanisqatsi" is a Hopi word. It means "life out of balance."

In his 2003 book, Timeless Beauty: In the Arts and Everyday Life, British author John Lane writes about the loss of the appreciation for beauty in the modern world. The experiment at L'Enfant Plaza may be symptomatic of that, he said -- not because people didn't have the capacity to understand beauty, but because it was irrelevant to them.

"This is about having the wrong priorities," Lane said.

If we can't take the time out of our lives to stay a moment and listen to one of the best musicians on Earth play some of the best music ever written; if the surge of modern life so overpowers us that we are deaf and blind to something like that -- then what else are we missing?

That's what the Welsh poet W.H. Davies meant in 1911 when he published those two lines that begin this section. They made him famous. The thought was simple, even primitive, but somehow no one had put it quite that way before.

Of course, Davies had an advantage -- an advantage of perception. He wasn't a tradesman or a laborer or a bureaucrat or a consultant or a policy analyst or a labor lawyer or a program manager. He was a hobo.'

from asofterworld.com

2007-12-04T23:30:00.000-06:00

i think i just watched the finale of sex and the city. made me believe that i'll fall in love again.

2007-12-04T22:46:00.000-06:00

i think that possibly, maybe i'm falling for you
yes there's a chance that i've fallen quite hard over you.
i've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i want to come too

i think that possibly, maybe im falling for you

coffee shop, by landon pigg
from the a diamond is forever commercial.

i think i have realized that i was in love before while sitting in the passenger seat.

2007-12-04T11:11:00.000-06:00

i am finally experiencing what everyone talks about.
i knew that there would be a lot of politics at work. i knew that it'd be difficult to sidestep some challenging or inappropriate comments coming from people i don't know very well. i knew that there would be questions i wouldn't know how to answer, and that i'd have a lot of doubts. i second-guess myself, and i'm always scrambling to make sure i look and sound more confident than i actually am. i knew that i'd have to deal with relationships in a way that i've never dealt with them before. i knew i'd have to be less familiar yet more direct.

one of my problems is that i leave work at work and then don't think about it afterwards at all. i know that a lot of people have the opposite problem. but i think i need to spend more time evaluating everything that's going on.

2007-12-01T22:58:00.000-06:00

a matilde urrutia

senor mia muy amada, gran padecimiento tuve al escribirte estos mal llamados sonetos y harto me dolieron y costaron, pero la alegria de ofrecertelos es mayor que una pradera. al proponermelo bien sabia que al costado de cada uno, por aficion electiva y elegancia, los poetas de todo tiempo dispusieron rimas que sonaron como plateria, cristal o canonazo. yo, con mucha humilidad hice estos sonetos de madera, les di el sonido de esta opaca y pura substancia y asi deben llegar a tus oidos. tu y yo caminando por bosques y arenales, por lagos perdidos, por cenicientas latitudes, recogimos fragmentos de palos puro, de maderos sometidos al vaiven del agua y la intemperie. de tales suavizadisimos vestigios construi con hacha, cuchillo, cortaplumas, estas madererias de amor y edifique pequenas casas de catorce tablas para que en ellas vivan tus ojos que adoro y canto. asi establecidas mis razones de amor te entrego esta centuria: sonetos de madera que solo se levantaron porque tu les diste la vida.

octubre de 1959

pablo neruda

2007-11-29T16:49:00.000-06:00

i am waiting at the airport in front of a beautiful sunset. it is really painful to not have a camera.

2007-11-27T23:11:00.000-06:00

oh geeez i'm in love.

2007-11-26T15:16:00.000-06:00

i’m tossing in my sleep trying to shut him up
with fevered dreams
it's only been a week a half hearted fantasy
wondering what he sees in me
in our separate space we are idols from a higher place
the beautiful ones that everyone wants
and i’d be happy to adore him from a distance
but knowing he adores me from a distance

makes this hard
and it's slow
longing for just one more moment
knowing that he has to go
and it's false
and it's weak
there’s nothing to be said now
but in our silence we’re both aching to speak

this emotion frustrated confusion
is it all an illusion?
will i wake up to a harsh and empty space?
his devotion lies in someone else’s arms
and i am just an outsider
trying to save face

makes this hard
and it's slow
longing for just one more moment
knowing that he has to go
and it's false
and it's weak
there’s nothing to be said now
but in our silence we’re both aching to speak

and i’m stronger than this i’ve been through this before
but what’s one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for

and it's hard
and it's slow
longing for one more moment
knowing he has somewhere to go
and it's false
and i’m so weak
there’s nothing to be said now
but in our silence we’re both aching to speak

( stolen. julie moffitt. )

2007-11-25T21:00:00.000-06:00

dancing with and being taught by Nito was a pleasure.

and Luciana is an incredible teacher.

2007-11-25T04:41:00.000-06:00

oh my gosh.
my feet hurt so much that it hurts even to push the gas pedal down to drive.
how curious, this has never happened before.

2007-11-21T01:41:00.001-06:00

i'm terrified of telling you that i still think about you all the time and i still see you in my dreams.

2007-11-20T15:21:00.000-06:00

so if you’re cold i will stay, maybe fate will guide the way. i believe in what i see and baby we were meant to be,
just believe. (we're meant to be)
trust in me.

missy higgins, all for believing

2007-11-20T09:57:00.000-06:00

the heart may freeze or it can burn
the pain will ease if i can learn

there is no future
there is no past
i live each moment
as my last

there's only us
there's only this
forget regret
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other way
no day but today

there's only "yes"
only tonight
we must let go
to know what's right
no other course
no other way
no day but today

i can't control
my destiny
i trust my soul
my only goal
is just -- to be

there's only now
there's only here
give in to love, or live in fear
no other path
no other way

no day but today

2007-11-18T13:32:00.000-06:00

RENT in houston was amazing. emy and i were sitting really close to the stage, and what a difference it made. i forgot who advised me to spring for the best seats, but it was well worth it. i was especially impressed by Angel and Mimi. Roger was played by the South Africa Idol. In my opinion, Joanne wasn't as impressive. I actually really enjoyed that Maureen, originally played by Idina Menzel, was played by the petite Christine Dwyer. It was a pleasant surprise, because i'm accustomed to picturing Maureen differently. No offense to teeny-tiny, tall, thin women, but seriously. Petite women can be sexy, too. and damn, she did one hell of a job.

emy loved it.

One Song Glory made my heart stop.

Collins' I'll Cover You made me cry. Of course.

--

last night we sat on the patio facing Westheimer, listening to the growling engines of rice rockets and the hoarse sirens of fire trucks and ambulances. the fog slowly enveloped the Transco tower. he was drinking eggnog latte and i had my peppermint mocha.

i love houston for all its dualities and idiosyncrasies. houston is a blanket for me, i feel warm and safe and comfortable here. ironic or not, this is home.

2007-11-16T13:54:00.001-06:00

How he found the girl of his dreams...

hey, maybe there is hope for all of us :) Thanks, Tu!!

2007-11-14T23:55:00.000-06:00

i miss being sure.

2007-11-14T11:28:00.000-06:00

On web sites that suck: biggest web design mistakes in 2004. still a good read.

2007-11-13T09:58:00.000-06:00

Financial practical stuff is always useful... AskDong.

It's chilly up here, and the leaves actually change color. The sunlight across the trees is even more spectacular. Heart pounding while running at night around the arch. "Accustomed to running around monuments..." Emails in Spanish. White blankets. Heel clicking. Feeling like exploding, in sort of a good way, like all my anger and loneliness clinging to some sort of metaphysical bomb. "Work/life" balance and what it means from a psychological standpoint. Ethiopian, Italian, Mediterranean, Thai. HBO at night. Stolen moments for telephone calls while at the office.

Life is too short to be so proud and afraid to be vulnerable.

2007-11-12T13:13:00.000-06:00

i am notoriously horrible at keeping up with current events.

--

yesterday afternoon, i called the iranian cab driver who drove nito and me from the bus station to UT one afternoon in august.

i wanted to note my appreciation for people who go the little extra mile to keep the minor details in life, minor. he promised to pick me up at 4AM sharp, and he even promised a wake-up call. he was 3 minutes early, and surprisingly lively and positive at such an outrageously early hour. he remembered a lot of things about me, and kept me entertained until i reached the airport. he immediately promised to pick me up when i return to austin, and now i have no concerns about how i'm going to get home. he called me Honey and i felt like his daughter.

--

corporate america is the strangest thing in the world.

--

last night was milissa + 4 other people's birthday party. we ate non-dairy cheesecake, rice dream ice cream, drummed, pianoed, saxophoned, walked barefoot, chatted, lost track of time. i talked for a long time to ely about permiculture and china and architectural design while admiring how his laugh lines crinkle around his eyes. red-headed rusty, who has been staying at our house for the week, calls me Z for short. and there's an enigmatic explanation for that.

--

marcelo and i recorded our first tango video. we laughed, it was fun to watch ourselves. i was nervous, and he could tell.

--

people were unusually nice to me this morning at the airports.

--

here, it is raining. and i am thinking of vanilla-scented kisses.
i gave you neruda's words,
you never gave them back.

2007-11-11T20:47:00.001-06:00

i am so sad :(
ugly error message

2007-11-11T00:45:00.000-06:00

laurie and i had a conversation about the turbulent, tense weather.

this is the season of nostalgia.

2007-11-10T23:41:00.000-06:00

i am a letter person.

i write letters to people in my life, and rarely finish them. i am always afraid that people will feel burdened by my words.

today, i received the most beautiful package in the mail from a girl named Emily, who i met in a hostel in Hangzhou. she lives in the Netherlands, and she was traveling with her friend Jain. her package included three photographs, one of which she placed in a silver frame. her card was sweet, and she enclosed a CD of photos and music that she thought i might like. i knew her for only two days. i haven't received a package like that in years.

----

lately, i have been waking up every morning with a sore throat. today i shuffled around in my pajamas for a while, and colleen called me to go out. we all went to borders and i found the most beautiful book. it is called The Principles of Uncertainty.

"

There isn't enough time. not enough time. I have ~~incessant~~ many questions but no patience to think things through. What is the difference between thinking and feeling?

If you had to give up one, which would it be?

My brain is exploding. trying to make sense out of nonsense, trying to tell you everything (everything?) and all the while time is fleeing. And the air around me vibrates with so many images. Which is great because most of them are British...

there is nothing illusory in this
tiny heaven
i am silent with gratitude

Gurdjieff came up with a series of sacred dances that would enable people to discover their true essential selves. People admitted it was no easy task. But dancing always brings joy-- so maybe he was right.

ART IS THE GUARANTEE OF SANITY

The sun will blow up in five billion years. Knowing that, how could anyone want a war. Or plastic surgery. But I am being naive. And the unknown is so unknowable. And who is to judge? Really.

Elizabeth is my doctor. Her name is Dr. Elizabeth Beautyman. For 8 years we have been walking together in the morning. The philosophy of that is monumental. We are the happiest people on earth.

we see trees.
what more do we need?

There is so much to do. Let me go with you. Lead the way.
Let me accompany you for as long as it suits.
Let us be frozen in time.
Let us float into the future.
I am right behind you.

"

From the Los Angeles Times:
Kalman tells us she reads the obituaries first thing every morning, insisting, "This is not morbid. Just epic. Maybe it is a way of trying to figure out, before the day begins, what is important."

----

and the problem is, these quotes don't do the book justice, because her photographs and illustrations are what make the book transcend...

2007-11-10T17:37:00.001-06:00

i broke my camera. i am devastated.

2007-11-07T14:13:00.000-06:00

it's getting cold in texas, and i realized i own no decent sweaters.

...but i have one hell of a scarf collection.

--- thanks to kristan, you can now subscribe to this blog's RSS feed.

2007-11-06T11:15:00.000-06:00

regina spektor tonight oh my gosh i am so excited.

2007-11-05T13:41:00.000-06:00

q: do you ever get tired of dancing?
a: do you ever get tired of being alive?

i danced for a total of 6 hours on friday and 7 hours on saturday. my feet hated me, but i felt amazing.

last night, in the kitchen with milissa... she had a long answer to my "how are you", and ended up summarizing it into the phrase "blissfully tired." i showed her my bjork shirt with "violently happy" screenprinted on it.

i think we're feeling both.

2007-11-02T14:07:00.000-05:00

Yellowbrown Babies For the Revolution
by Bao Phi

This not about yellow brown babies for the revolution.

This is not about a hand job for my personal identity seeking orgasm of self-discovery

This is not about planting nationalists penis flags into earth mother vaginas

This is not about skinning yellow brown hides so that I can make a flag

This is not about soy sauce eyes and rice stick thighs

This is not about kings or queens, emperors or concubines

This is about love.

This is about laughing in our own language,
the language we can only create together,
the laughter we can create
if we both know what it's like to live without it,
to know we mixed rice with bread
and ate silence,
quietest ingredient in the melting pot,
and we lived on it-

This
is about love,

turning up love's volume till we shake,
till our arms and legs move, till we shout with multiple tongues
and whisper in each other's ears
I will never ask you to change your name
I will never ask you to change your name
your name is at home on my tongue

do you hear me

in this land that wants us blind, deaf, asleep and defeated
we have to make our own music
becuz none of these songs have ever been for us,
for the fight inside of us,
pounding fist of the heart against the soul,
the clashing notes inside of our minds,
this is to know what it is like
to have to fight
to love ourselves

2007-11-02T13:13:00.000-05:00

all good things come to an end, but that doesn't mean they can't begin again.

2007-10-31T16:05:00.001-05:00

timmy curran- blue eyes

it's a strange time, isn't it?
one moment you let it go and let it all slip away.
and the next thing you know
you're starting all over again.

2007-10-31T14:24:00.000-05:00

in our bedroom after the war.

the Stars concert was really good. it was nice to see tu, and it was nice to be outside .

it's fantastic to believe in hope.

--

happy halloween from the kitty cat stuck in a south austin office.

--

on monday marcelo and i worked on a type of colgada (with one of my legs in the air).
bad quality video, but something like 0:56, 2:33, 3:43.

it felt like flying when we finally did it.

2007-10-29T07:58:00.000-05:00

always moving too fast. candles and moving energy back to him, taking mine back. silently, breathing.

currently, volcadas:

2007-10-22T16:13:00.001-05:00

"if you would only listen, you might just realize what you're missing, you're missing me"
- jack johnson

i had the perfect day yesterday. sunlight in all the right places, wind in my face and hair (read: garden state style).
it's a beautiful world.

2007-10-20T11:06:00.001-05:00

never fight fire with fire, #1:
- in the morning when i wash the dishes, tiny soap bubbles float into the air.

never fight fire with fire, #2:
- my sunny-side up eggs came out perfectly

never fight fire with fire, #3:
- i am becoming more of a morning person